My Battle Between Living & Existing....Finding Joy On The Other Side

At some point down the road we will move past the current Corona Virus chaos, and at that moment we will be challenged to leave fear behind us and begin to reintegrate into our lives again.  We clearly are not at this point yet, but the time will come, and for some of us it will be scary. For those of you who have walked through trauma  in life, you already know what I am talking about. There are powerful moments that make us acutely aware of how dangerously fragile our lives really are. The fear is real, it can be daunting and can make existing at home seem far more appealing than really living in the big scary world.

I share this because I want to tell you about a beautiful encounter I had several years ago after I had a heart attack.  At the age of 44 I was recovering from my first heart attack, and was working through a lot of internal angst. I found myself running risk calculations for almost anything I did after being sent home just a few days after such a traumatic event. A weekend away? I was asking myself if there was a good hospital near the destination.  An invitation for a trail hike, I was doing an inventory in my mind on how good the cell service was in that location in case I needed an ambulance. This went on for any number of decisions made in a day. I didn’t tell most people I was doing it, and if I turned things down I didn’t share my reasons why, but I knew inside what I was doing. I was trying to stay “safe.”  

Then one warm afternoon I went on a walk near my home and ran into a gregarious and kind restaurant owner we had known for years. He was jogging by and clearly had heard my news,  so when he saw me he stopped immediately to chat. We were at a busy intersection and he asked how I was doing. We talked for a minute and he shared about the very serious stroke he had just a few months before my heart attack. At that moment he grabbed my shoulders and turned me to the busy intersection and told me something I have never forgotten. He pointed at all of the people driving by and said “we are the blessed ones, because those poor souls have no idea how precious every day is….but we do.”  He went on to tell me, we can live differently than all of them, because we were shown that (he waved his hands around pointing to everything around us) this is all fragile, yet sadly most people live as if this is going to last forever. I knew in that moment what he meant.  He was challenging me to live instead of exist. My jubilant, fit, vibrant friend had come close to death and was still chasing his passions, working but working less, and still had joy in his heart. 

I will not lie and say that from that moment on it was easy going, and that I didn’t still battle my fears. However I will say that it is a battle, and I don’t just give into my fears I fight them. I want to live, rather than exist at home in a bubble. 

What I hope for in this crazy season is that millions of us are learning how precious life is, and that we all live a bit differently as a result. This pause, this challenge, this pandemic will likely make many feel afraid, but the real beauty could be just on the other side. When this is over we may look at some of our life choices and see them differently after having time to think and reflect. Some may be inspired to try new side hustles, jobs or majors. Others may choose to give up certain relationships or activities they now realize didn’t bring much value or joy. I hope we choose to battle through the fear, and live our best lives on the other side of the Corona Virus, each of us now knowing how precious life really is.